For the last few months I’ve been reading books and web articles written by gay Christians. As a Christian I’ve always believed that same-sex sexual relations are sinful because that’s what the bible (seemingly) says; but after immersing myself in the situation as seen and lived by gays, my understanding has been reversed and I now see same-sex sexual orientation as a normal part of being human, just as is being left-handed. One must follow where the science leads.
The writers of all these books and articles have each responded differently to the conflict between their sexual orientation and their profession of faith in God, and I imagine that they are each representative of many gays who remain silent about having undergone the same struggles, but known only by their friends and family. So I’m thankful for each of these books and articles because it has opened my eyes to the torment that gays have had to endure, and it helps me understand why they have chosen the various lifestyles or paths they now live.
The following are some of these paths which gay Christians have chosen in response to the conflict within them and the pressure from without. One can’t really call suicide a lifestyle but it is the only option which all too many gay Christians have seen as the only answer to the torment they suffer. Each of the options I present here has been taken from a book and its gay Christian author.
Suicide
One such author is D. A. Helminiak, a Catholic priest, himself gay, who has ministered to gays and lesbians since 1977 through a support group called Dignity. He has written an excellent book in support of same-sex relations, reinterpreting the traditional understanding of the Clobber Passages, i.e. those verses in the bible which are used to condemn same-sex relationships. In part of a heart-rending catalogue of the horrors and abuse gays suffer, he writes; “Thirty percent of teenage suicides are among homosexual youth. Proportionately, this figure is at least three to four times higher than for other adolescents. [A study in Massachusetts found the rate of attempted suicides six times higher]”.
For obvious reasons, we never get to read the stories of the “Thirty percent of teenage suicides”; their lives were so intolerable for them because of their struggle that they could no longer face life, and so they ended it.
My best friend is gay
My best friend, Stuart, is gay. When I met him he was 19 years old and I was 21. A few days later a colleague at work told me about Jesus and I was saved. As soon as I got home (we lived in a boarding house) I told Stuart that I’d become a Christian that day. He was delighted because, he told me, he was too. We used to sit in his room and talk about everything, including sharing our sexual thoughts. He shared with me that he was struggling with homosexual desires and that the thought of sex with a female was repulsive to him. It had never occurred to me that any male could feel revulsion for a female, but I accepted it without comment and with a new dawning of understanding.
After about three years the inner conflict between Christianity and his sexual orientation and desires became intolerable for him and he attempted suicide. He recovered but seemed insane for a while and I was afraid of him. In a short time he had fully recovered and was more balanced, and a few months later he was groomsman at my wedding. Sadly, he rejected Christ and the gospel and became militant in his gay identity. His militancy has since softened but he lives as an atheist now.
I owe so much to Stuart. When we first met, I was uncouth, impulsive, and oblivious to the beauty of creation and culture surrounding me. Stuart was intelligent, a romantic, loved literature and classical music, and had a direction for his life. We both shared a love of classical music and, while I loved reading, especially Greek and Roman classics, as a Christian I now read only Christian (Reformed) books. He used to take me to the Sydney Town Hall on Sundays when they had free concerts, and it was a wonderful time for me. We often went for walks along the nature reserve around our part of the Sydney Harbour shoreline, and he taught me to appreciate nature, art, and literature, and opened my eyes to so much of what was around me but to which I’d been blind. Through him I discovered that there is so much more to life than I had ever imagined, and it was all there available to me. His cultivating influence in my life, combined with the gospel’s, shaped me into something beautiful, if I may say that in a right sense. And while I am grateful that God condescended to come to me and rescue me from my wasted life, his people have not been so kind. Stuart brought great beauty into my life but self-proclaimed bible-believing Christians have left a legacy of pain and sorrow, betrayal and humiliation. I would never want to abandon Christ but sometimes it’s all I can do to hang on to him.
I don’t write this about Stuart in a self-indulgent way. But I do want to point out that he wasn’t and isn’t an aberration that doesn’t deserve to live. His life matters – to God, his family, his friends, and more importantly as far as I’m concerned, to me. He shaped my life and is very largely responsible for what I am today, although he never intended it. We were just two friends sharing friendship; neither of us was aware of the impact he would have on me. Stuart may have thought his life didn’t matter but it did. And now that his attempted suicide is well and truly in the past, his life continues to have a beneficial effect on those around him. Stuart’s life makes a difference; and it does so simply because he is.
About two years or so into our friendship, Stuart told me he was in love with me. I couldn’t reciprocate that love but we remained best friends. But we’re not able to see each other anymore because he moved to the UK many years ago and has made his home there.
Abandon God
Some gays, such as Anthony Venn-Brown, author of “A Life of Unlearning”, have abandoned God altogether and dived fully into same-sex sexual relations and the gay world – this is the biggest tragedy of all. However, after all that I’ve read, I can understand why they would do this. Apart from suicide, it’s the worst decision they could have made because they’ve chosen the comparatively cheap baubles of this world in the form of romance and sex for the brief period of this life, over a life both in this world and the world to come of a living and loving relationship with God for eternity. The worst thing is that some gay Christians who have abandoned Christ have ultimately done so because they felt abandoned by Christians, however well-meaning some of those Christians were. I sympathise with them because while I haven’t suffered as a gay at the hands of Christians, I have suffered in an abusive church/cult at the hands of Christians. I know from personal experience how cruel, judgmental, superior, and heartless some Christians can be when you don’t agree with their interpretation of scripture. So when I read of the lack of understanding that Christians can have for those who don’t see homosexuality as they do, I’m filled with sorrow, both for the victim and for the Christians who have got it so wrong.
Of course, not all Christians are like this but too many who make the loudest profession about believing “the bible alone” are guilty. But even Christians who are more reasonable and who genuinely mean well can unintentionally cause harm to a gay person who is struggling with the fact that they are different because they feel sexually attracted to those of their own sex rather than with the opposite sex. To young people who have grown up in a Christian family and in a church, the realisation that their sexual desires are regarded as sinful is immensely difficult for them, and they immediately realise they’re outsiders. They now face struggles that their friends will never have to undergo and who can’t really understand or sympathise with them, and it usually takes years for them to come to a decision as to which path they will take for the rest of their lives.
Heterosexual Marriage
Other Christian gays have been enabled to marry and live a genuine, sincere, loving, heterosexual relationship with their opposite-sex spouse e.g. Jackie Hill Perry, author of “Gay Girl; Good God”. Having been convicted that her same-sex relationships were unacceptable to God, she turned away from them in repentance and faith in him. She then got involved with a loving church and Christians who accepted and loved her and, after a period of learning the bible in a relationship with God, and after many struggles, found that she was able to love and marry a man.
Unfortunately, many gays have had great pressure put on them to marry a person of the opposite sex to help them overcome their same-sex orientation. This pressure imposed by ignorant Christians has mainly led to disaster and the destruction of families and relationships, because a person who is same-sex oriented can’t just become opposite-sex oriented through methodology or act of will. Jackie Hill Perry, for example, relates how difficult it was for her as a Christian because she couldn’t simply stop feeling attracted to women; even now, she tells us, she still has those attractions. Her finding romance, love and marriage with a man came gradually, essentially sneaking up on her as she immersed herself in her new life with Christ, finding her identity in him rather than in her sexuality.
Celibate Living
A third choice open to Christians who are same-sex oriented is a life of celibacy. This is not necessarily an exciting way to live, and is, in my opinion, unnatural under normal circumstances. The apostle Paul advocates it for those who have the gift to live that way (1 Cor 7:7-9), and the celibate life was sought after by many early Christians, especially after the Emperor Constantine legalised Christianity in the 4th century. They saw it as the new way to fight the good fight of faith now that the persecutions waged by the state had ceased, and eremites and desert monks began to abound in the sands of Egypt. Celibacy and virginity became increasingly important in the early church and monasteries and convents became correspondingly popular with those who wanted to serve God totally, celibacy being a major aspect of this dedicated lifestyle. But celibacy is an unnatural way to live because God designed men and women as relational and sexual beings.
For gay Christians like David Bennett, author of “A War of Loves”, following his conversion to Christ and after years of personal struggle, praying, searching, researching, and reflection, he decided that a celibate life was his only option. He couldn’t change his same-sex orientation and finally came to this conclusion after much struggle and heartache, as you can imagine. But both David Bennett and Jackie Hill Perry were able to choose their lifestyle directions because they saw that their identity is not defined by their sexuality but by their relationship to Christ. However, and more realistically, Christian psychologist Stuart Edser writes: “A gay sexuality is part of the fabric of the self, whereas a particular religious affiliation is a belief that one can believe today and eschew tomorrow” (Edser, Dr. S., 2011, Preface).
Same-sex Relationships and Marriage
But for the majority of Christian gays and lesbians, the above options are really no options at all. Like all Christians, gay Christians don’t want to abandon Christ. They love him and serve him to the best of their ability, and the thought of abandoning him is unthinkable. And, just like heterosexual people, gays and lesbians can’t just change their sexual orientation; it is an integral part of who they are.
These gay Christians have chosen to continue to profess faith in God and a daily walk with him whilst living in a same-sex sexual relationship or marriage. For such gays there are churches founded by gays for gays, and the number of this group of churches is spreading. Probably the biggest and most well-known of them is the Metropolitan Community Church; but they aren’t widely spread in Australia as far as I know. The Uniting Church, while not a specifically gay denomination, is “gay affirming”, has active gays in the ministry, and has two marriage services, one for opposite-sex marriages and the other for same-sex marriages. And some other churches within mainstream denominations are also overtly gay-affirming.
Reinterpreting the Clobber Passages
And finally, there are web sites and books which reinterpret the clobber passages so that they no longer condemn same-sex sexual relationships, and are more in accord with science. The clobber passages are those on which orthodox Christianity bases its view and practice that homosexuality is sin; they are Genesis 1:27-28; 2:23-24; 19:1-29 (Sodom and Gomorrah); Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13; and Deuteronomy 23:17-18 in the Old Testament; and Romans 1:24-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; 1 Timothy 1:9-10; and Jude 1:7 in the New Testament. The most comprehensive of these websites that I’ve come across is www.gaychristian101.com owned by a gay Christian named Rick Brentlinger. Rick uses scripture, history and context in his attempt to prove that same-sex sex in a loving, committed, monogamous, same-sex marriage is not forbidden in scripture.
And there is a book entitled “UnClobber: Rethinking Our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality” written by a heterosexual Christian named Colby Martin who is pastor of a progressive church. The author reinterprets the clobber passages to remove the prohibition of same-sex sex and enable gays to marry without fear of sinning. But the best of these books which I’ve come across is “Being Gay, Being Christian: You Can Be Both”, by Dr Stuart Edser. He discusses the topic comprehensively, and presents the science supporting same-sex orientation and practice. It is his book which persuaded me that it is OK to be gay and Christian. Daniel Helminiak’s book “What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality” is also excellent, being bibl-focused, and every Christian should read it. It is referred to a few times in Dr Edser’s book, which is where I found out about it.
Lessons we can learn from Anthony Venn-Brown’s book
Anthony Venn-Brown is an example of a person who tried to defy his natural same-sex orientation by marrying a woman. It seems he was relatively happily married to her and they had children together. But he never felt authentic and he pined for the love of a man the whole time.
While Anthony’s story is a sad one (described in his book “A Life of Unlearning”), it could also be seen to be rather sordid as it demonstrates from his own life the promiscuity which seems to be common in a large part of the gay community. Indeed, despite the pressures he felt from the church, Jesus was his best friend and only help. His book is a brave one and he is intimate and open, even vulnerable, in the way he tells his story, and it is a very moving account. It is so intimate that I suspect some Christians might think it too explicit. He’s not only come out of the closet, he takes his readers into it and gives us a look at what happens there. But I thought this gave power and reality to what he was saying and I thank him for writing it. It moved me deeply and opened my eyes to the torment that many gay Christians have to endure.
From his teens, he tells us, Anthony was gay cruising and having brief sexual encounters and one-night stands with random men. He continued this throughout his years as a Christian in ministry and during his marriage. He felt driven to seek a meaningful relationship with somebody who would understand and relate to him. But don’t all people of all sexual orientations want that? Gay cruising at night looking for that special person to be a life-partner even while married is still adultery, breaking the marriage bond and the vows made to the other spouse, and betraying the trust of someone who already loves you and who has committed their life to you in demonstration of that love. It is still sin.
Anthony is a very gifted man and he took the Assemblies of God denomination in Australia from a small backwater church to being a major player in the church scene. He was highly successful as a pastor, evangelist, and church planter, and it was obvious that God was using him and blessing his ministry; and it was obvious that God loved him as he was, “warts and all” (Oliver Cromwell), as he does all of us. But when God didn’t answer his prayers in the way he wanted i.e. change his sexual orientation, and when he was under pressure from Christians to be opposite-sex oriented, he believed the lie that there was no hope for him.
His personal life was torment for him, and he was living a lie with his family and church, and exposing his innocent wife to the risk of STDs. Yes, he was driven by a desire to be with somebody who was like-minded and like-oriented, but he was also driven by sexual lust – one-night stands with strangers is not a healthy way to meet a suitable partner.
Adultery is still adultery
Even if you’re locked in a loveless marriage, as many Christians are, it doesn’t mean you can start having casual sex or affairs with other people, whether you’re straight or gay, and I can’t condone that behaviour. However, I’m not trivialising Anthony’s problem – after reading his story, I sympathise with him (and his wife). But the trials and struggles he endured, and the various extreme steps he took to change his sexual orientation, and God apparently not answering his earnest and desperate prayers to change it wore him down, and he was driven to sexual encounters which only made him feel worse. All the while he tried to make a success of his marriage but he felt like he was drowning, and it was at the cost of his own identity and authenticity. In the end he had to call it quits. And Anthony’s wife became just as much a casualty of their church and its pastors as he was.
It would have been fairer and more honest if he had told his wife before they got married that he was gay and that he had a history of gay sexual encounters, of the efforts he’d made to change, and that the leadership in the church knew about it all. She deserved to be told so that she could make a more informed decision when he finally proposed marriage; and more importantly, she would have known what she was getting into and the risks involved for her.
But once they were married and he realised that his same-sex orientation was still alive and well, not having shared his secret with her beforehand, he owed it to her to do so now, sooner rather than later. Sadly, Anthony was labouring under shame and guilt, so it would have been very difficult for him; anyone who has betrayed their marriage and the spouse doesn’t know about it, knows how difficult it is to tell them and admit their wrongdoing. But as time passed and the number of Anthony’s sexual transgressions increased, so would the difficulty of confessing it to her because of his own shame and the fear of the pain it would cause her.
The complicated nature of what Anthony was dealing with in his marriage can take a long time to sort through, and years can go by before a decision can be made and appropriate action taken. If he had initially been given better information in the form of a better understanding of the scriptures relevant to his situation, he could have made more informed choices. Instead he was held back from taking corrective action which would have saved both himself and his wife from a failed marriage and its accompanying sorrow and grief. Anthony had become so tired of living a lie, hiding his desires and emptiness and loneliness, that it must have been hell for him.
Conclusion
In essence, Anthony’s problem was straightforward – it was a conflict between his sexual orientation and desires and the word of God. But it was complicated by Christians who didn’t understand and therefore couldn’t help. The conflict should have been resolved by coming to terms with the fact that God made him and all his faculties and desires, including his sexuality, being thankful for it, and living to the glory of God. And if the Assemblies of God didn’t want him, he could have asked God who would have given him another sphere within which to work. Anthony’s sexual orientation was never a problem with God. If it was, how could he have achieved so much in his evangelising and church planting?
References
Bennett, D. and Wright, N. T. 2018, “A War of Loves”, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Edser, Dr. S., “Being Gay, Being Christian: You Can Be Both”, Kindle edition, 2012, Publ. Exsile
Helminiak, D. A., 2000, What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality, Alamo Square Press; Millennium Edition; for Kindle
Martin, C. 2016, UnClobber, Westminster John Knox Press, Louisville, Kentucky
Perry, Jackie Hill, 2018. Gay Girl, Good God, B & H Books, Nashville, Tennessee
Venn-Brown, Anthony. 2015, A Life of Unlearning – a journey to find the truth, New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd, Sydney, Auckland, London, Cape Town
Anthony Venn-Brown’s blog: Blog – ABBI
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